I’m not sure this is really a blog post. It all started as a game to while away a long car journey. I think there was something that I thought would be better if it could be “To the death” and then I started thinking about adding words or letters to all TV programmes.
But now it’s become a THING in my head, and I can’t stop adding in text whenever anyone mentions anything that’s on TV. So I thought I’d share some of my favourite concoctions with you in the vain hope that they might end up getting produced:
Come Dine With Me and Putin
Contestants smile and make polite conversation while simultaneously attempting to impress their hosts and worrying about what’s in the sushi.
The Crystal Meth Maze
Each week, a team enters the vast, booby-trapped meth lab of a bald dealer and attempts to earn enough crystal meth to fuel a crazed, gold-and-silver-token-grabbing trip in a giant crystal ball.
The Ex-Wife Factor
Simon Cowell is tied to a chair, blindfolded, and made to listen to performances from all his exes. He must correctly identify each or be slapped about.
The Medieval Apprentice
A group of hopefuls battles through a series of gruelling tournaments to win the right to be apprentice to the tyrannical Sir Alan of Amstrad. Each week, Sir Alan chooses the worst performing would-be apprentice and fires them over the wall of an enemy castle with a trebuchet.
Strictly Come Morris Dancing
Does it need an explanation…?
The Big Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Theory
Three geeks share a flat with a flying car. Nobody understands each other, but we can all laugh at the geeks because it’s allowed.
Drug Deal or No Deal
Contestants are offered a range of unidentified illegal highs by an increasingly desperate Noel Edmonds. Who will strike the multi-million-pound Colombian pure jackpot?
The Antiques Roadshow Comes to Brixton
The nation’s favourite antiques enthusiasts value the exciting finds that Brixton’s inhabitants found in someone else’s attic, whilst outside, the charming locals introduce them to the idea of cars on bricks.
Holby City Council
Life or death scenarios prevail as a group of valiant, under-staffed council workers attempt to deal with the daily struggles of the Holby area.
Family Planning Guy
Peter is a family planning adviser with no discernible knowledge of contraception. Hilarious antics ensue as he attempts to convince everyone that babies grow under bins. Meanwhile, a bin with the mind of a genius adult teams up with a dog to thwart him at every turn.
Kung Fu Master Chef
A group of professional chefs must do battle against the clock whilst cooking the perfect roux. They are judged on both flavour and deadly violence. Contains strong language.
Chess Match of the Day
Join the commentators as they take you through the most gripping, exhilarating matches, square by square. And then give you a run-down of it afterwards in real time.
Escape to the Country that Has No Extradition Agreement with the UK
A group of happily married crime duos looking to retire in a hurry seeks the help of the enthusiastic presenters to find the perfect overseas getaway.
How I Met Your Grandmother
I don’t think I want to think about this one any more deeply.
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