04 Aug The Thirty Things Most Likely to Give Me Parent Rage
Obviously, Parent Rage isn’t an official thing. Unlike Road Rage, Trolley Rage, and You’re-Invading-My-Personal-Space-DIE-IN-FIRE irritation (I may have made that last one up, too). But I am convinced it is, in actual fact, a Thing. I’ve experienced enough of it, and – thankfully for my sanity – witnessed other people going through it in public.
Actually, I’d probably say there are also a lot of situations which give EVERYBODY ELSE rage, and miraculously don’t seem to annoy the parent in question. That is because, 90% of the time, we are all of us made of magic. Whereas 10% of the time, we’re a kind-of green colour and have just erupted out of our clothes.
I’ve started to see blogging as an alternative form of therapy, so obviously, the best thing to do to make me feel ok about being a ratty, angry, irritable specimen of humanity is to write about it and share it with the world. Please follow with any comments of fellow-feeling/vilification/rage.
1) Trying to get a small boy dressed when he is jumping between sofa cushions and shouting “I’m a pirate! Arrrrr!”
2) Trying to get a small boy dressed when he’s flopping around saying “I’m too tired”, having just been jumping between sofa cushions shouting “I’m a pirate! Arrrrr!” for the last forty-five minutes.
3) No dry pants.
4) One pair of dry pants that are “Not the right ones!”
5) Any combination of the words “Everything” and “is” and “awesome!”
6) Being asked the question “Do you know what’s awesome?” when I’ve just locked myself out of the car.
7) Any phrase that starts with “I don’t want to…”
8) Cyclists who go too fast along the river and then tell your three-year-old that he’s in the wrong place.
9) Three-year-olds being in my way when I’m trying to cycle too fast along the river.
10) Other people’s children behaving in any kind of way mine does, but without the benefit of being cute.*
11) People saying “You’re too heavy for that, you should be walking!” when I’ve just slung one three-year-old on my shoulders after we’ve walked and run for about four miles.
12) Nobody commenting on how heavy my three-year-old is after I’ve heroically slung him on my shoulders after we’ve just walked and run for about four miles.
13) Having my belly wibbled in public. (See The Eight Most Embarrassing Things My Three-Year-Old Has Said.)
14) Peppa Pig.
15) The theme song from Peppa Pig.
16) Any Peppa Pig merchandising.**
17) Neighbours waking me up during the only two-hour period in a night when R has managed not to have nightmares about toilets that eat things.
18) Nightmares about toilets that eat things.
19) The phrase “Wake up, Mummy!” when it’s still dark.
20) The phrase “I knocked your tea over.”
21) Being climbed on when I’m crouching down to mop up the tea.
22) The phrase “I knocked my juice over” just after I’ve finished cleaning up the ruddy tea.
23) Realising that everything would probably feel more awesome if I’d been able to drink the ruddy tea before getting in the car.
24) The thirty-eighth “Why?” in a row.
25) Other people’s kids being completely adorably perfect in every way.
26) A massive screaming fuss when I try to steer the shopping trolley away from the display of glasswear because he’s doing it.
27) A shopping trolley to the back of my achilles’ tendon.
28) Getting to the checkout and finding eighteen things in the trolley that I didn’t put in there, including embarrassing intimate products from the pharmacy aisle.
29) Rufus deciding to watch TV from the upper layer of his “double-decker couch” – which coincidentally involves putting a sofa cushion on the head of a certain Mummy and then sitting on it.
30) A nose-bleed as a direct result of the double-decker couch design and one three-year-old’s flailing foot.
*Obviously, the cute thing is only when he’s either asleep, or in public and I’m desperately proud of him. Obviously.
**Unless it’s a massive drawing and painting set bought by his auntie that keeps R occupied for hours at a time and is therefore allowably useful and life-enhancing.